Cameron announces end of world ‘as currently known’
CAMERON ANNOUNCES END OF WORLD ‘AS CURRENTLY KNOWN’
The world as currently known is about to end, announced UK Prime Minister David Cameron last night, as share prices continued to slide across the global economy. He was speaking after concerns across Britain mounted that little boy Jimmy’s free school was likely to go bankrupt whilst Granny Dryden could no longer afford home-help or an adequate state pension, forcing many of the elderly into pushing their Alzheimer’s pills to little Jimmy’s peers to improve concentration in exams.
“Endlessly putting off what has to be done doesn’t help, in fact it makes the problem worse, lengthening the shadow of uncertainty that looms over the world economy”, crowed Cameron to confused Canadian workers, as a small space was found in an Ottawa airport car-park for the nomadic statesman to stage his press conference. “Given that we’ve deregulated all our financial systems, the only people left to blame are European politicians, who still have some element of political interest in regulating banking”, he spat.
As ham-faced financial speculators brought out the rosaries, tarot cards and press releases to point the fingers at mercenary politicians, now dependent on their patronage, Cameron’s apocalyptic warnings followed a line of similarly dreary announcements by other leading slugs. Ben Bernanke has privately briefed to Fed colleagues that “its gna get even worse yknow sheeeit!!!! x”, the New York Times will announce today. “Time is of the essence” announced another, as share prices, employment and real wages collapsed and fuel prices, inflation, personal and national debt, rent and private earnings for the top 0.1% richest continued to soar. Calls echoed in every chamber for urgent action to be taken, provided someone else took it. Fingers pointed at each other, as Cameron followed a menagerie of idiot politicians in poking fingers into each others’ eyes and ears.
“We are staring down the barrel”, announced Cameron, as workers continued to clue up against politicians and bankers, using any disaster or emergency to deregulate financial transactions to get richer. Faced with the inevitable tantrum of workers and the unemployed who were unlikely to have a meaningful source of employment, welfare or pension entitlement, Markets responded with continued hysteria, as coked-up yuppies continued to piss away Granny Dryden’s pension and the assets of little Jimmy’s free school (The Peter Andre Dreams Academy, Harlow) into the sticky fingers of the very rich. Bankers in the City this morning have been observed muttering to themselves with bloody noses, bending down and weeping into iced buckets of Bolly in their boardrooms and shifting their swag into safe-house tax-havens.
The end of the world has been announced by UK Prime Ministers about seven times in the last two hundred years. Declining consumer spending alongside rising unemployment, caused by a mixture of increasingly dubious free or temporary labour practices in companies as well as the cut-back of social government in the West has led to an obvious decline in consumer spending, as workers no longer have any money or time to do anything. Deregulated markets cannot be intervened in by politicians, whilst those with capital privately traded and floated by financial markets will have little interest in regulating their loot. Inevitably living standards will worsen globally until workers stop getting slapped around and start getting viciously and strategically optimistic. The current political process is bankrupt, much like everything really. Amidst boarded up shops, bulldozed camps, crumbling estates, workers have so far responded to Cameron’s maudlin announcement by gingerly approaching the closing-down sale of The Future, lurking around, waiting for someone to open up the doors. Everything really must go.
Wyndham Peregrine-Borsthorne, head of appropriate appropriations at B&S Partners responded to Cameron’s news with tearful disbelief. “The future is so uncertain – the world could look significantly different in a month’s time. Greece could have defaulted, we could be in the middle of a banking crisis. Could you handover your wallet please, this private jet won’t pay itself”.
– Professor Effra.